i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
