It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
