No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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