I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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