I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
