Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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