I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
