Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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