Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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