fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
worst night to have a conscience
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
