Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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