Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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