Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
