just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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