I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
