if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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