so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Randomize
