That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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