Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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