PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
