Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
