When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
