Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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