When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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