Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
