so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
