I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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