now i know why i became what i already was.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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