i was born a porn star she said
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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