My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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