Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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