I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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