Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
