sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
