at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
