im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
