I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize