The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
