They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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