Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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