Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
