this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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