It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
