I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
