??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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