Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
