New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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