I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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