I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
