so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
