in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
