ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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