I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
worst night to have a conscience
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
