Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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