she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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