Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
