were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
